Remember how when you were a child, you thought the world would just be the way you wanted it to be the moment you stepped out of your parents' house? No more bed times, no more homework, no more answering to anyone... You were just going to be a musician or a lawyer or a doctor or something really neat who made a lot of money... Then reality hits and you realize that the world is the same place it was when you were a kid.
You still have to answer to a boss. If you want to get somewhere you still have some form of homework and the idol dreams of a child are dashed the moment you realize the bills and the responsibility of life isn't going to just take a back seat while you figure out whether you're a doctor or lawyer. You find yourself settling for a desk job that pays well but doesn't exactly give you chills every time you slink into work. You find a close circle of friends and you hunker down for the remainder of your life until the Good Lord decides it's your time.
And believe it or not, I'm okay with that. What I want to be when I finally grow up is: Me. The fun loving, spirited, confidant, vibrant woman I know I am. I want to put to to rest the anxiety that riddles me nearly every day. I want to hush the fears and the what ifs and stop worrying about whether or not I feel okay. I'm exhausted right now. I am tired of the constant worry and panic and feeling as if every moment I'm going to just pass out because I've worked myself up so much. It kills me.
I keep waiting for that miracle answer to come from somewhere. I even hoped for an accident where I am hit in the head and somehow the anxiety and fear is gone, but I'm still me. Crazy, yes, but when you're desperate, sense has little room. I am tired of feeling as if every little thread that holds me together is just going to unravel and leave me with remnants of what I used to be.
For a while, I was fine. Very few anxiety attacks. I felt great... for the most part. Then I found out I had hypothyroidism. Suddenly, every little twinge my body makes, I'm terrified I'm dying. I'm either too hot or too cold or incredibly dizzy... everything points to a certain doom. And every time these thoughts encompass me, I fail to realize that I am still here! I'm still alive. I'm even healthy. Most of my issues are truly in my head.
Heaven help me. I pray in all honesty that one day my spirit may rise above all of this and leave me with a happiness that I didn't realize I could have. I pray these things in the name of your Son, Amen.
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