I struggled quite a bit with the idea of being a mother. For the longest time, I thought there was no way I would have kids. After suffering through a traumatic childhood and seeing the disdain my mother and step-father had for parenting, I figured I'd be better off without the struggle. Not to mention, for the longest time, I was scared that I would repeat the very mistakes that were made with me.
I wanted a baby when I was fourteen. Hormones. They should really come with directions. I was insane! I didn't want sex, but I wanted a baby so badly I could feel it. But somewhere along the line, I lost the desire. Kids became a burden I wanted to avoid. I didn't want to have a baby only to regret every moment. And I certainly didn't want to treat my child the way I had been treated.
I thought for certain my mind had been made up. Every time I heard a child cry, chills would go through me and I'd think, there's no way I want one of those or the stigma that seemed to follow. "Cool" moms trying to be chic while they have screaming babies dangle off of their boobs. Frustrated dads trying to regain a sense of manhood while they have toddlers biting at their ankles...yeah...the whole idea repulsed me. I figured I'd just stick to my dogs. I can stick them in the garage when I have to go somewhere, I don't have to worry about damaging them or making them sad if I have to brush them off for a few moments.
But something changed. My little brother had a daughter. I didn't think it would affect me...I mean, I'd be happy for him and sure, I'd love her. But I had no idea just what this little girl would do to me. I had no idea what love really was until that little girl came into my life. I saw the love my brother had all over his face and I thought, "Wow...how could I rob myself of such a feeling?"
The love I have for my niece is something that took me by complete surprise. I had no idea that I could love someone with literally every little fiber of my being. I had no idea that I would feel so much love that I would gladly give my life for this little girl.
So now I have the task of taking everything I thought I knew about myself and flip it. Can I be the mom with the messy hair and the rag hanging over her shoulder while she begs for another hour of sleep? Will I groan and complain when my baby wakes me in the dead of the night because she (or he) wants to be fed? Will I get frustrated everytime they cry or misbehave? I'm so scared of being a bad mother...I'm not even pregnant yet and I'm already doubting my abilities. I'm scared that I'll be everything I never wanted to be...
But every time I think about my little neice... I realize that the love I feel tromps every fear I have. I realize that I could never do the things to my child what was done to me. I know that I will make mistakes. I know that I'm going to get frustrated and feel frazzled at times. But I know that I will love like crazy and do everything I can to ensure my baby is well cared for and loved. I know that I will be a good mother because I've fallen in love with my neice...and I know that love is a miracle I want to have in my life.
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